"Past the end of his nose?"
Bert: "You know, begging your pardon, the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is in that cold, heartless bank day after day, hemmed in by mounds of cold, heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up."
Jane: "Father? In a cage?"
Bert: "They makes cages in all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of 'em, carpets and all."
I have a feeling I may not publish this blog immediately but I have to write down thoughts now in order to not forget them. Soon it will be (or has been) exactly 1 year since my dad passed away. I can remember nearly every event and moment of the last 2 or so hours of my dad's life and I can remember the exact moment that he stopped breathing. It's hopefully something I never forget either.
4 months later I packed my bags and moved to China.
Around 9 months later, I watched a movie that I had high expectations for and was not disappointed. I first attended Saving Mr. Banks simply because it was centered around one of my favorite things which, of course, is Disney. Now later, I love and appreciate this movie because of it's deep themes and a special way I relate to it.
Yesterday, for the first time, I tried my feet at slacklining
It was a TON a fun but I'm reaping the soreness of it today. In the pictures are my friend Chris and Sveta and my friend Bri was taking the pictures. The day/night before I was having a bit of a rough time as I had spent too much time by myself and with my thoughts and was caught up in things I shouldn't focus on.
The short story aside a friend saw the pictures and we messaged a bit about slacklining. I went to bed not thinking much more of it only to wake up and see two Facebook posts about how his father was recently rushed to the hospital after a massive heart attack only to pass away a few hours later. This has been the third acquaintance I have known in the span of a year to have their father pass away. This aches on my heart.
This is the part of the post where I'm just going to start spilling things in my brain:
I don't even know what to say. I know that in the first 24 hours my dad died was just somewhat of a blur. I remember SO many people coming over. Countless hugs and a TON of food. I feel in a way I didn't really respond in the RIGHT way emotionally or in any sense. The stupid and cliche quotes of, "I'm here if you need anything", "I can't imagine how you feel...", "They have no more suffering." "It's ok to feel sad and cry." "I'm praying for you and your family." are so meaningless. Now, I know these people mean well and it may be somewhat insensitive of me to be blunt about it but those are the thoughts. On the other hand, when people are completely silent and don't say anything at all to me is just as bad. There is no medium feeling on this. I first want to start out saying that I loved my dad. But I tended to sometimes compare my father to others I saw around me. I never once in my life doubted for a second that my dad loved me but I will admit that I sometimes used to wish he would show his love in other ways than he did or even stupidly comparing him to fathers in movies. My father was never really one to voice his opinions or his emotions at all about things nor did he ever really oppose something someone suggested. He was really a very easygoing man in his life of two women (my mother and I) that had enough emotions to last him several lifetimes. He never really acted like he was 'the man' of the house/kingdom and we as the family were his subjects. As a child, I didn't understand why he wouldn't take more charge or control of the house. I now understand that it is because he valued, loved, and cared for my mother and me so much that he couldn't possibly wanted to have risked us not being completely happy with something in our lives or felt like we didn't have a say in what went on. My dad never pushed me away when I would come downstairs and bug him while he was changing the oil or go outside and asked why he was cutting the crab grass and dandelions that I thought artfully decorated our lawn. Instead of buying me girly, princessy things or trying to buy my affection, my dad's gift to me was his quality time. We spent countless hours watching movies over the summer, going to auto shops so he could fix something in the cars, going to Burger King, and of course swimming till we were both as red as tomatoes and wrinkly as prunes. There were many times that I wanted him to give his opinion as a dad or treat me like a little but my father was much more the one to treat me like an adult and told me to trust my own instincts and of my other Father's guidance. I never really talked to him about boys I ever liked but he never asked because he trusted me that I wasn't going out and making stupid decisions even in college. The amount of trust my dad had in me astounds me and something I definitely never deserved.
I'm also not reading this over before I post it so what you're getting what I've got.
Bert: "You know, begging your pardon, the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is in that cold, heartless bank day after day, hemmed in by mounds of cold, heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up."
Jane: "Father? In a cage?"
Bert: "They makes cages in all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of 'em, carpets and all."
I have a feeling I may not publish this blog immediately but I have to write down thoughts now in order to not forget them. Soon it will be (or has been) exactly 1 year since my dad passed away. I can remember nearly every event and moment of the last 2 or so hours of my dad's life and I can remember the exact moment that he stopped breathing. It's hopefully something I never forget either.
4 months later I packed my bags and moved to China.
Around 9 months later, I watched a movie that I had high expectations for and was not disappointed. I first attended Saving Mr. Banks simply because it was centered around one of my favorite things which, of course, is Disney. Now later, I love and appreciate this movie because of it's deep themes and a special way I relate to it.
Yesterday, for the first time, I tried my feet at slacklining
It was a TON a fun but I'm reaping the soreness of it today. In the pictures are my friend Chris and Sveta and my friend Bri was taking the pictures. The day/night before I was having a bit of a rough time as I had spent too much time by myself and with my thoughts and was caught up in things I shouldn't focus on.
The short story aside a friend saw the pictures and we messaged a bit about slacklining. I went to bed not thinking much more of it only to wake up and see two Facebook posts about how his father was recently rushed to the hospital after a massive heart attack only to pass away a few hours later. This has been the third acquaintance I have known in the span of a year to have their father pass away. This aches on my heart.
This is the part of the post where I'm just going to start spilling things in my brain:
I don't even know what to say. I know that in the first 24 hours my dad died was just somewhat of a blur. I remember SO many people coming over. Countless hugs and a TON of food. I feel in a way I didn't really respond in the RIGHT way emotionally or in any sense. The stupid and cliche quotes of, "I'm here if you need anything", "I can't imagine how you feel...", "They have no more suffering." "It's ok to feel sad and cry." "I'm praying for you and your family." are so meaningless. Now, I know these people mean well and it may be somewhat insensitive of me to be blunt about it but those are the thoughts. On the other hand, when people are completely silent and don't say anything at all to me is just as bad. There is no medium feeling on this. I first want to start out saying that I loved my dad. But I tended to sometimes compare my father to others I saw around me. I never once in my life doubted for a second that my dad loved me but I will admit that I sometimes used to wish he would show his love in other ways than he did or even stupidly comparing him to fathers in movies. My father was never really one to voice his opinions or his emotions at all about things nor did he ever really oppose something someone suggested. He was really a very easygoing man in his life of two women (my mother and I) that had enough emotions to last him several lifetimes. He never really acted like he was 'the man' of the house/kingdom and we as the family were his subjects. As a child, I didn't understand why he wouldn't take more charge or control of the house. I now understand that it is because he valued, loved, and cared for my mother and me so much that he couldn't possibly wanted to have risked us not being completely happy with something in our lives or felt like we didn't have a say in what went on. My dad never pushed me away when I would come downstairs and bug him while he was changing the oil or go outside and asked why he was cutting the crab grass and dandelions that I thought artfully decorated our lawn. Instead of buying me girly, princessy things or trying to buy my affection, my dad's gift to me was his quality time. We spent countless hours watching movies over the summer, going to auto shops so he could fix something in the cars, going to Burger King, and of course swimming till we were both as red as tomatoes and wrinkly as prunes. There were many times that I wanted him to give his opinion as a dad or treat me like a little but my father was much more the one to treat me like an adult and told me to trust my own instincts and of my other Father's guidance. I never really talked to him about boys I ever liked but he never asked because he trusted me that I wasn't going out and making stupid decisions even in college. The amount of trust my dad had in me astounds me and something I definitely never deserved.
I sometimes remember all the things my dad didn't do which is a reason why Saving Mr. Banks affects me in such a personal way. In the movie PL Travers loved and respected her father and he was a wonderful father in many ways but she always felt as if she had let him down in someway. Long story short, Walt Disney has a conversation with her that changes he mind and completely breaks down the wall that Travers wore for so long. Disney had his own story of a father that he too loved but felt as if he missed some part of his childhood with his dad due to his father's authoritative figure. Disney tells Travers:
"I don't tell you this to make you sad...I'm just so tired, Mrs. Travers. I'm tired of remembering [my childhood] that way. Aren't you tired, too, Mrs. Travers? Now, we all have our sad tales: but don't you want to finish the story? Let it all go and have a life that isn't dictated by the past?"Yes, yes I do, Disney. Not only in matters regarding my dad my in all matters. The time when a girl didn't invite me to her birthday party 3 years ago. I want to let go the time a girl wanted to leave my house early because she was bored hanging out with me. The times where I made mistakes with people and I want to let go of all the hurt I've ever been dealt by those around me. This is not to say I will forget as I don't want to forget all those feelings of hurt and resentment I've felt but I'm so tired of feeling that way. I want to let it all go and have a life that ISN'T dictated by the past.
I'm also not reading this over before I post it so what you're getting what I've got.
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